Streams of Consciousness… Beware of wordiness*!

And so, he wrote:

"Courage, Emma, courage! I don’t want to ruin your life (it’s really true, I’m acting in her interest. I’m being honest). Have you seriously considered your decision? Do you know what an abyss I was dragging you into?  You were going off, rashly confident, believing in happiness, in the future. Ah! What wretched, insane creatures we are!

You must believe me when I say I shall never forget you. I shall continue to feel a deep affection for you. But one day sooner or later, our passion would doubtless have lessened — that is the way things are in life. We should have grown weary. I might have had the terrible pain of witnessing your remorse and even of sharing it since I caused it. The mere thought of the unhappiness you are undergoing tortures me, Emma. Forget me. Why did I have to know you? Why were you so beautiful? Is it my fault? Oh my God! No, no, fate alone is to blame (a word that is always effective)!

Ah! Had you been one of those frivolous women, I would certainly have been able, by sheer egotism, to try an experiment. And it would have been without dabger for you. But your wonderful exaltation, which is both your charm and your undoing, has prevented you, adorable creature that you are, from understanding the falsity of our future position. Nor did I think about it clearly at first. I was relaxing in the shade of our ideal happiness as if it were som e poisonous tree of the tropics, without giving a thought to the consequences.

(She may think I’m giving her up out of stinginess. Well, what can I do? It’s bad but I’ve got to end it.)

The world is cruel, Emma. It would have pursued us everywhere we went. You would have had to endure indiscreet questions, slander, disdain, actual insults perhaps. Insults to you! And I who wanted to seat you on a throne, who will carry away the memory of you like a talisman. For I am punishing myself for all the evil I have done to you by going to exile. I am leaving. Where? I have no idea. I feel I am losing my mind. Farewell! Always remain as good as you are. Do not forget the unhappy man who has lost you. Teach my name to your child so that she will repeat it in her prayers.

(I think that’s all. No, let’s add this so she won’t come back for me:)

I shall be faraway when you read these sad lines. I wanted to flee as quickly as possible in order to avoid seeing you again. I won’t weaken! I shall return later on and perhaps after that we will chat together, without passion, about our former love. Farewell! Fare well!

(How shall I sign? ‘Your devoted’ — No. ‘Your fiend’? Yes, that will do..)

Your friend,
Rodolphe Boulanger

"Relationships are maintained and are reaffirmed through constant communication…"

…these were the words of Ms. Mara Nanaman, my Communication and Mass Media teacher, this morning. At first I didn’t pay quite attention to it (being the talkative student that I am)…but when my friend Ami wrote it down on her notebook and when our adviser repeated it (redundancy; hehe..if that’s not application, i don’t know what is!), it kinda glued itself in my head. And then I recalled past events that really suit it(those of which have already been embedded in my schema; whoo! Reading Process sure did make me learn something new)…

There are connections that I have which have gone from "close" to "distant". This is because of my lack of time and my lack of effort to make time (of course, it’s not just my fault). I am guilty of this. Procrastinating isn’t exclusive to studying alone, I suppose. This is what I call a special mix of stubborness and indolence. Together, these ingredients caused weeds to grow on the bridges which I and the people I know have earlier established. The bridge then became inaccessible. Communication has become a rarity. If these weeds aren’t removed, pretty soon, the bridge could collapse.

Luckily, I have managed to tend to the bridges I have with other people. There leaves some which are inaccessible yet..but I’m slowly working on those.

I have realized that relationships are greatly dependent to communication (uh, as if we don’t know that already).

Communication has various barriers, too. One of the most evident is DISTANCE. In my case, out-of-sight usually entails out-of-mind (I said "usually", didn’t I? I did? Good). But technology (oh, thank God!) closes that gap. People, therefore, have lesser excuses to say when asked with, "Why haven’t you kept in touch with me?". Impossibility, clearly, is out of the issue.

While it is poetic and romantic to say that "love knows no distance" (just so u know, i’m talking about intimate long-distance relationships now), it is realistic to say, "distance knows no love when technology isn’t permitted to butt in".. Since we are utterly blessed into having the benefits of distance-eradicating devices, why not use them? Why not make an effort to use them?.. This way, relationships are reaffirmed..

Communication keeps the relationship alive.. I don’t want to end up like Madame Bovary one day, all the while mumbling, "I can barely feel it now. I can’t keep the love alive. I must keep the love alive"….

So, it is not only in London where bridges fall. Don’t wait for yours to collapse..

"Unity in Diversity Towards Global Competitiveness"… or something like that was the theme for MSU-IIT’s CASS-AJA Festival — a week-long (was it week-long?..oh, well) celebration involving students and faculties of all seven departments (English, Psychology, Political Science, Sociology, History, Filipino, and General Education) of the College of Arts and Social Sciences.

It was fun..but the thing is, although there was DIVERSITY (with a spectrum of departments and all), there was NO UNITY (aside from the unwavered partnership between the English and Psych departments with the occassional involvement of Socio folks).

Instead of forging camaraderie and oneness, there was stiff competition and the desire to "kill! kill! kill!" — metaphorically, of course. This was due to the immense desire to gain superiority among the rest of the departments.

Students belonging from different societies pity against each other in their thirst for glory and popularity. For one, the debate competitions were soiled with controversies, tears, and complaints. Personal attacks were made and credibilities have been questioned.

Even the most innocent event of all which was Laro ng Lahi had been tainted by allegations of cheating and such.

This was how the festival was celebrated. The closest of friends could turn into bitter enemies. And the already-enemies could turn into something much much worse.. This somehow spiced up the event although (let me quote someone for this…and that someone’s identity I choose not to disclose) "it was never in line with the spirit of the theme"…

…I do not know which pains me more, is it the irony or is it the fact that we never got to be this year’s Champion (we’re in 3rd place, next to Psych)? And can you believe it’s the irony??? X_x

Dwelling on the banalities of marital union and holding on to it is a false belief on marriage. Most Filipinos view marriage like those depicted on fairy taleswhich is a sham. But let’s face it, we all love happy endings. But not all relationships end this way. When that happens (when things do not go the way we imagine them to be; when there is incompatibility among partners, when we are disillusioned from our impulsive desires and there is loss of intimacy, and even physical abuse), divorce comes in very handy.

Sure, the vow states that as husband and wife, the two should stick together "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, till death do them part", but there will come a time when marital issues corrode the union. And sometimes, these issues cannot be resolved. Will we allow the two to stay together and fake what they are feeling all because marriage is sacred?? At this point, "non-resolvable marital issues" take the form of death in a relationship. Thus, let divorce work its way through.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not after breaking up married couples. I only want to help families have a considerable compromise when the couple’s love for each other have already faded, when they are incompatible, and what’s worse, when physical abuse is eminent. In this case, divorce is the supreme salvation.

Why are we not legalizing divorce here in the Philippines? Is it because of the religious premise that "marriage is a sacred matrimony"? That’s a load of crap. If you would like to talk about sanctity, then marriage is far from being one. It is the mutual understanding of the couple involved which is sacred. What’s sacred is how they manage to keep the love alive.

If it’s allowed in the U.S., then why not here? Americans aren’t the only ones who have "irresolvable marital cruxes". Why not let Filipinos enjoy the benefits of divorce, too? This oughtta teach us a lesson to be semi-permeable when it comes to picking a partner in life. This should instill in our minds that marriage is a serious commitment.

Some Filipinos would say that if divorce were to be legalized, then it would only increase the number of failed marriages. Ha-ha. Do you think that divorce is the only measure of a marriage’s failure? Let me tell you this:

• a loveless union is an even deeper failure;
• a union having a battered wife/husbad (you’ll never know) doesn’t make things any more pleasant.

Yes, marriage SHOULD be a life-long commitment. But finding a person worthy of having that commitment with is never an easy thing to do. Therefore, we should not view divorce as a threat to the sanctity of marital union. It isn’t. It is, as the way I put it, a remedy.

(Don’t miss the metaphors on this one!)

“We’ve come this far, it’s too late to turn back now.”

…pardon my French, but I daresay “Nay!” (this reminds me of Pong..hehe). It’s never too late to tread on a different path. Finishing the route that leads to somewhere awry is not the same as going (more than) halfway to it. More than often, it’s good to put our steps to a halt and defy the notorious reputation for our rather impulsive behavior. It isn’t a crime to think things over and contemplate on our choices. Will we forge ahead on our current path? Or will we turn our backs to it and set forth on a new itinerary?

Or say perhaps that you have finished the wrong path because you have taken leave of your reason, do remember never to overstay. Don’t forget to call upon your better judgment. It makes a big difference in banishing yourself from that skew-whiff of a place and deciding to take on a new pursuit rather than staying on the place of perdition. Remorse is not good unless you do something about it and change your ways.

Imagine yourself leaving a place which has molded you into a person of broader perspectives and higher maturity. Upon leaving, the only souvenir you have with you are the memories stored in your mind which are subject to being forgotten and being buried into oblivion. How would you be able to rekindle the past and realize what you have become?

            For many years, TADMAN has been able to uphold its calling in preserving and immortalizing the annual memories, experiences, and achievements of IITians. It has journeyed a great mile and it has also matured a great deal along the way.

            Derived from a Maranao term meaning ‘memoirs’, it has stayed true to its goals even when its publication was put to a halt after its very first release in 1977. For a short while, it was brought back in 1979 but the students were not mandated to compel into paying for it. The following year, an unfortunate event led to the paralysis of TADMAN when the publication house in Cagayan de Oro hired to process the yearbook was burnt down. All efforts made by the staffers and personnel for the completion of the yearbook back then were reduced to ashes. This had put TADMAN in a coma. It had stayed in this unconscious state for over more than a decade. In 1992, attempts in bringing it back were once again brought up. But the people had already lost interest.

            In 1994, the 25^th Silver Jubilee Anniversary on the founding of the institution, Director Melvin Roscom brought up in a meeting, presided by Dr. Marcelo Salazar, the institute yearbook’s final revival. There was an unenthusiastic reply to this proposal at first. But the director fought for its comeback and placed his name’s credibility on the line. And so, after exerting a few more efforts, the proposal was realized.

            The payment for the 1994 yearbook was subsidized. So, students only had to pay 50% of the original cost. The other half was paid using the money intended for the Silahis publication.

            Headed by Prof. Nancy Echavez (still a student back then) as Editor-in-Chief and moderated by faculty member Dr. Anthony An-Lim, TADMAN was once again back on track.

After a hiatus in 1995, TADMAN has been released every year from then on. That is why, all of us should give credit to Dir. Melvin Roscom for having the courage to revive the yearbook publication even when everybody was doubtful about it. He believed in the importance of TADMAN to all the students. He believed in what it is capable of doing.

Throughout the years, TADMAN has been seen fronting a diversity of covers, themes, and motifs cunningly crafted by the hands and imaginations of selected yearbook staffers. It has traveled far; from the use of simple layout techniques to the use of more sophisticated contemporary designs and styles.

TADMAN will never cease in pursuing what it was destined to do. It is a carefully laden craft. It is something fought for. It is a legacy. It is MSU-IIT itself. Each page, a memento of it. Indeed, it has traveled far and it will forge ahead for as long as the institution exists but will still live on even if it no longer does.

<sigh>… While we were at the arcade trying out the bumper cars, singing our vocal chords out, and quenching our thirst for fun, I spotted this really really really really really rally really (I can go on saying this forever…or not) cute kid with his lola. I just couldn’t stop staring and smiling at him. He’s soooooo adorable and cuddly and cute! His fingers are so tiny! His eyes are very chinito and his skin is so white and fair! <sobs>..huhuhuhu… I managed to talk to his lola about him and took photos of us together. Ehehehe..I have good PR! Nyahaha… He’ll be turning four this coming June 11th! I wonder what he’ll be like when he grows up? Will I ever see him again?…*my pedophile senses are tingling*… =P

On that thought (not on the pedophilia), doesn’t life seem weird? We bump into random people all the time. For a second or two, we are in other people’s worlds…but we never play a permanent role in all of them. This is too emotional for me. I’m spooked out by myself, too. Because I never want to be evanescent. I linger on the brief moments in which I was destined to be given in the lives of those whom I wish I’m a permanent part of…until loss of memory takes over…

"sitting on my lap"

A friend of mine said that although most of us miss out on the big prizes (The Pulitzer, The Nobel, Oscars, Tonys, Grammys, etc.), we should already be contented for having life’s small pleasures…

….like a pat on the back;

………a good word;

………a hug;

………a full moon;

………a glorious sunset;

………an empy parking space;

………a great meal;

………a good joke;

………a hot soup;

………a cold drink;

………an ice cream.

So, said she, we shouldn’t fret about missing life’s grand rewards.

ARE YOU KIDDING??!!! Why shouldn’t we fret abou it?! Wouldn’t it be more peachy if we had grand rewards AND enjoy life’s simple pleasures at the same time?? Everyone can experience all those minute blessings. They’re universal! Those shimmering awards, on the other hand, are given to special people. People who have surpassed something and excelled! Think big! Be a dreamer…but not to the point of standing on the spot of being too ambitious. Try waking up most of the time and turn your "ideal" into something that’s "REAL"! We must remember that it is a human being’s responsibility to excel (uhhhyeahhh…no pressure there! =P)!!!

P.S.

I’ll have you know that I am currently setting my eyes on the Grammys (specifically on the Best New Artist category). I even have an acceptance speech drafted already!..hehehe!

White seated beneath the blue; a pair of almonds, on a pale face, slightly askew…

Big strong palms assure security and benevolence; one folds and slowly sways…

And black strands of straw held up by the wind as white seated on blue passes by…

You’re a danger whom someone is slowly addicted to.

Everytime I see blue and white, that someone knows it’s you.

It’s you.

I was at a cafe the other night after reporting for duty at the Tadman office. For about more than an hour of surfing the net, I was shivering cold (I felt like I was about to have a frost bite). I was just bidding goodbye to a "jerk"/slightly friend at Yahoo Messenger when I heard someone say a discreet "hi" behind my ear (not soft enough not to be noticed but loud enough for me to hear him).

"Hi," said the stranger, smiling at me. Giving out a puzzled grin, I faced him and then stared back at the monitor. I thought he would leave but he never did. The next thing I know, he was introducing himself.

"Ila-ila sa diay ta. Ako diay si Skills, taga-st. michael’s college. Taga-iit ka ba? Unsa imo pangalan? (I’m Skills, of St. Michael’s College. Are you from IIT? What’s your name?)", he asked while stretching out a hand. I could smell the stench of liquor emanating from his mouth.

Puzzled still, I answered back, "Oo (Yeah)." Then he asked where I lived. If I originally am from Iligan City. I lied, sensing that he might be a mugger or of some sort. The smell of gin bothered me.

After a brief moment of silence, he said, "Pwede ta mag-date? (Can we go out on a date?)"…..hmmm…I became suspicious. I said, "Ngano diay (Why?)"

He replied, "Ganahan lang ko. Sige na, date ta (I just want us to. Come on, let’s go out on a date)."

I said, "Ha? Dili lang ko. (No, I don’t want to)."

"Sige na gud. Ah, basin gusto nimo kanang gamay ra tawo? Sige, magcheck-in nalang ta. Sa Famous Pension House ta, oh. 300 ra man (Come on. Ah, maybe you want us to be in a place exclusive for the two of us. Why don’t we check in at Famous Pension House? It’s cheap. Only P300.00)."

I got nervous. I could feel my whole body shivering (and it’s not just because of the airconditioning!)! I stood up. Decided to leave the place. BAD MOVE!

He followed me. Put his arm on my shoulder (like some old acquaintance) and called me ‘Lip (my nickname, how dare he). I felt like Hansel (no, wait..i mean Gretel) when he (uhhh..she) got lost in the woods. I didn’t know what to do. He kept on touching me. My shoulders, my back, my butt…

"Sige na bah. Ganahan bitaw ko. 12 inches man ni akoa. Iyoton tika ug maayo. Di ka magmahay sa ako (Come on. I wanna do it. My cock is 12 inches long. I’ll have sex with you till we run out of juice <sounds familiar Kim? hehe>)," said he in a nonchalant casual manner of speaking.

"Dili jud lage ko. Pangita lang ug lain. Wala ko’y kuwarta. Adto sa uban (I really don’t want to. Go find other "clients". I have no money)," i remarked.

"Basin gusto nimo mag-inom sa ta? Tara, inom sa ta! Ge na gud. Duol ra bitaw ang Caprice diri (Maybe you wanna go grab a beer first? Let’s go! Caprice Inn is just around the corner)," said the varmint.

"Dili ko muinom. Ayaw lang ako beh. Wala ba diay kay tarong nga trabaho? Pangita ug tarong na trabaho oi (I don’t drink. Please go find somebody else. Don’t you have a proper job? Why don’t you find one?)," I said in a shaky voice, trying to sound friendly.

"Wala jud. Kani ra. Sige na. Sa amo ta mag-iyot. Sa Pala-o. Or sa inyo. Ge na (Nope, I don’t. This is what I do. Come on. We’ll do it at my place in Pala-o. Or, if you want, we can do it at your place)."

"Sorry, dili jud ko. Baynte ra akong kuwarta dire. Taga-an nalang tika ug baynte dayon hawa na dayon. Mao ra jud ni ako kuwarta (I’m sorry, I don’t want to. I only have 20 pesos. I’ll give it to you so that you’ll go away)," I said while handing him the money, trying to reach into a compromise.

He hesitated, asked one final time, "Dili jud ka? Sure ka? (You really don’t want to? Are you sure?)." I quickly nod my head more than thrice for emphasis. He held the bill in his hands and said, "Tara, ipasakay tika (Let’s go. I’ll accompany you until you get a ride)."

"No, ayaw na. Okay ra," said I, feeling nearly alright.

"Sure?"

"Oo. Okay ra lage."

He turned his back and I quickly half-ran-half-walked away to the opposite direction. Finally!!!! Heart-throbbing….throat slowly recovering from the dampness brought about by nervousness.

….Good men are really hard to find.